Thursday, July 27, 2006
Do you think I FREAKIN' CARE?
What am I doing now? I fee that I ain't in my own self. I feel being posessed. by devil? by angel? by who? I don't know.
Who am I? What am I? What kind of person am I like? I don't know.
Seriously I don't know my own self well, let alone knowing others people well. I don't even know what kind of person am I. I don't know what is my personalities. even though results of personalities tests could be accurate. but that's only the outer of me. It doesn't describe the underlying me. Says I'm a obedient and innocent girl. Yet I'm not. I can say a string of vulgarities, hokkien or english. Believe?
I DON'T KNOW if I'm an angel or a devil. They are always in me, fighting to be the boss of the day. IF angel wins, I'll be a nice person. Cool and calm. Calm mind, everything calm. But if devil wins, I'll just be another person, being bitchy or anything. Worst, a calm body with a devil mind. OR not, I can an angel in front of someone, a devil behind that someone. Says I'm hypocrite? Could be? OR maybe, I'm just being a loser. Scare of getting into trouble with the whoever person? Maybe. But yet, sometimes I just confront with the person without thinking. So, am I still a loser? This sound scary uh.
Ya, it does. I'm just like a hidden monster in a human body. You never know what I'm thinking all the while. Yes, even I sometimes don't know what I'm thinking, and I have to always get away from that crappy thinking. It creeps me sometimes too. Especially just now when I'm bathing, my mind is in a twirl. Song playing in my mind, and yet I'm thinking about I'm typing right now, my feelings. Everything just clashed around in my mind, that I can't concentrate on my bathing. I wonder is this form of depression?
OH yes. Such a split and unknown personalities. WIll I get depression? I think I need to see a shrink sooner or later.
I wonder when I know my true self. As stated. I'm still finding my way, heading to whatever I can see my true self. But I'm seem to be lost and confuse by my thinking.