Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I don't know what will happen to me next. I'm scare that my worst nightmare will come. I'm getting even more cautious about it. Even when breathing, I will just feel very scare that it will worsen my situation. Ya, I know, that was just wild imagination. But, I'm praying that nothing worst will happen.

Operation is big deal. But the process is painful. Ever thought of yourself, waking up in Intensive Unit Care after operation, seeing so many medical machines around will just make you scare. I didn't really see how it was like, because I was unaware what was around me, just know that I'm feeling weak on bed, and occasionally I kept imagined I drop my booster on the floor, and wanted the nurse to get it back for me when there's nothing on the floor at all! I only see how ICU was like when I visited my brother from I discharge from hospital. That sight will just make me cry.

After ICU, I was send to somewhere, I don't know what ward was that. But, it wasn't any better. Lying on the bed for almost whole bed make your bones like want to break. You can get on the bed for first few weeks, and you have to do your business on bed. I was young that time. But if now? I will feel very paiseh. Not only that, have to bear the coldness in hospital very night etc etc.

I remember one scary moment. I don't know if it was true or was I just dreaming. I remember having the doctors pulling out long tubes from my operation wounds. It was so damn gross and scary. Arghh. Till now I don't even know if there's really such things happen. But I don't ever want to find out, because if it's really true, it's gonna to be a dreadful thing that stays in my mind forever.

Haiz. I suddenly feel like a burden to my parents. Suddenly feel that my parents have to worry about me. Doctor even says that, it's normal. Patient usually need to have a second operation for put something for the valve thingy. Some people need to have that operation a few times. I feel like as if I'm pencil case, can zip open and close anytime you want. But I'm not! Pencil case wouldn't feel the pain, I will!

Haiz. Suan le. That's is my fate