Sunday, May 22, 2005

I don't know what to do. I feel like giving up. I don't feel like talking about the matter to her anymore. It's like, she always misunderstood my intention.

I just want her to relax. Want her not to worry too much about me. I merely told her don't be too 'kan cheong' over my meals and stuff. Because I know what to do and how to settle my own meals outside. As when I returned from camp, I didn't take my dinner and she was like, 'What!? No dinner? How can!?' To me, she was like very anxious and very worry that I don't have my dinner. So, I said those stuffs in the morning. I said 'I know how to settle my meals at outside. Not need to bother about that for me. Because it's my own matters.' and so on. And what? She thought what i said, was like telling her 'I'm grown-up. And that's no need for you to care about me' stuff like that.

No! I don't have such intention at all. What I meant was that, she can 'fang xin' and not need to worry over a small matter which I can solve for myself! She got real angry and said that I can leave home if I want to be independent. Please mum. You really misunderstood me.

I just want you to know that, I'm slowly growing up and sometimes you just not need to worry about me so much. Yes, I know I had not totally see how the world is like as I had been on this world for only 17 years, unlike you. But, sometimes you just have to relax. You really have to relax. Don't add stress for yourself. MY own things, like me settle on my own. If I have any queries or what, I will come and ask you.

What you see is just the outside of me. But, whatever i think insdie my heart and mind, is totally different from my outside. I'm not to say here, that I'm mature. My thinking is mature. I'm now slowly to think in a mature way. And before I did something, I really do think first, before I act. Just that, you don't know. I'm the kind of person, who don't show what I'm thinking inside.

I'm also not trying to say, I had work before and I had my own money, so big deal. No! Since I say is my own money, please let me spend what I want. But not as in spending my money on buying things unneccesary. If I'm spendthrift, I would just buy the converse shoes without much consideration. On outside, you may think I'm sturbborn. I must get what I want. But, frankly speaking, I thinking real hard, whether I should buy the shoes or not. I'm always thinking before I buy anything else. Be it shoes, clothes or any other accessories.

Honestly, this morning, I was really really very sad. I'm crying deep insdie my heart. I went to the toilet to cry. Sometimes I really hope you can understand what I feel/think deep inside me.

I just want you to relax and 'fang xin' about me. BUt yet, you thought I want you to stop bothering me and let me independent. Yes, i want to be independent as in, let me settle my own stuffs. I just don't want to add burden to you and made you even more tired.

Please see me as a 17-years old girl. Treat me like a young adult. I know what is for my own good. I really know. Please trusts me. Sometimes, I just feel that, you don't have faith in me. You just don't dare to let go of the string, just alittle bit longer.

Well, maybe, maybe the tone I used to talk to you about this, is wrong? Haiz.

Please help me. I'm very confused, troubled over this. I feel very trap, weeping away by myself and no body knows. What should I do!? Haiz.